How To Help Your ADHD Daughter With Rejection Sensitivity
If you’re the parent of an ADHD or AuDHD teenage daughter and she’s deeply affected by things like feedback, friendship issues, making mistakes, or feeling like she’s disappointed someone, she might be experiencing something called rejection sensitivity.
This is something more commonly referred to as Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria, or RSD for short.
What Is Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria?
RSD isn’t an official diagnosis at the moment, and it’s not part of the diagnostic criteria for ADHD either.
But “Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria” is a term many ADHD and AuDHD people use to describe the intense emotional pain that can come from experiencing real or perceived rejection, criticism, failure or disapproval.
The “perceived” part is really important. With RSD, it doesn’t matter if the cause or trigger isn’t “real”, what matters is how she feels about it.
So it doesn’t matter if she “didn’t fail” – if she feels like she failed then that can trigger RSD.
It doesn’t matter whether she’s actually been “criticised” – if she feels like she has been then that can trigger RSD.
What Can Cause Rejection Sensitivity in ADHD Girls?
There doesn’t need to be an obvious trigger or cause for a person to experience RSD. Sometimes, the trigger for RSD can be something really small, sometimes it’s bigger.
Here are some examples of things that might cause your ADHD daughter to experience RSD:
She might experience RSD...
...if she feels rejected.
This might look like:
- Feeling left out, like not being invited to a party with her friends
- Falling out with friends or having an argument with with them
- If a friend sees her message and takes longer than usual to reply
- Replaying in her head comments made by someone or how something was said
- Not getting likes or engagement on social media
...if she feels like she failed.
This might look like:
- Losing marks on a test or not getting the grade she wanted
- Making a mistake
- Feeling unable to do something she thinks she “should” be able to do easily
- If strategies or ways of doing things no longer seem to work for her
- Setting herself a goal and feeling like she hasn’t achieved it
...if she feels like she’s been criticised.
This might look like:
- Being corrected or told off
- Receiving comments or feedback on classwork – even if they’re constructive
- Feedback loops – replaying a comment over and over in her head
- Reminders – even a gentle reminder about a chore or homework can feel like disapproval
- Being laughed at or made fun of – even if it’s “banter”
What Are The Signs of RSD in ADHD Girls?
If your daughter’s experiencing rejection sensitivity, it doesn’t necessarily mean she’ll appear sad – although she might. RSD can show up differently for different people, and it can show up differently at different times. It can look like sadness, or it can look like avoidance, having an attitude, irritability, defensiveness…
If you’re not sure what to look for, or whether or not your daughter’s experiencing RSD or something else…
Here’s a few things you might notice that can be signs of RSD:
- Getting really upset or angry after receiving feedback
- Sweeping statements like “they hate me”, or “I’m bad at…”
- Becoming defensive or upset when she’s told off (this can look like defiance)
- Seeking out reassurance often, like asking “is this ok?”
- She might try her best to avoid upsetting anyone (known as ‘people pleasing’)
- Spending a lot of time thinking about mistakes or things she “should have” done differently
- She might assume people don’t like her, or are annoyed with her
- Perfectionism – this might look like spending a LOT of time on things like school work
- Procrastination – this can look like laziness sometimes but it can be a fear of failure or receiving criticism
- Reluctance or refusal to try new things (often called ‘avoidance’)
Why Reassuring Your ADHD Daughter Doesn’t Always Help
If your daughter’s having a big emotional reaction to something that doesn’t seem like a big deal, it makes sense you would want to reassure her.
This might mean saying things like:
“They don’t hate you”
“It’s not the end of the world”
“I’m sure they didn’t mean it”
“You tried your best”
“You did a great job”
If you’ve ever tried reassuring your daughter in those moments, you might have noticed it doesn’t always help in the way that you hoped, and there’s a few reasons why.
1. Logic doesn’t land when emotions are high
If she’s experiencing RSD, at that moment, the logical part of her brain is essentially “offline.” Her nervous system has shifted into survival mode. The emotions are running the show which means she physically can’t process or believe rational, logical, or reassuring facts in the moment.
2. Reassuring comments can feel invalidating
Research has shown that rejection can activate some of the same brain regions involved in physical pain. So to a brain experiencing RSD, hearing “it’s fine” can feel a bit like breaking your arm and someone telling you it doesn’t hurt.
3. It can sound like a lie
If she really believes something, like she’s failed, hearing that she hasn’t can feel like a lie because it contradicts something she firmly believes about herself.
Rejection sensitivity is one part of a bigger picture when it comes to making sense of ADHD girls’ emotional reactions
That’s why I created this free workshop ADHD: Making sense of your daughter’s emotional reactions where I share insights, strategies, and resources to help you better understand your daughter’s reactions and create more calm at home.
Get access for free below or find out more here.
How To Help Your ADHD Daughter Manage Rejection Sensitivity
If your daughter’s experiencing RSD, it means her nervous system is responding to something in the same way it might if she were experiencing real physical pain or danger.
The nervous system is the part of your body that controls your stress response. When it senses threat or overwhelm, it can shift into fight, flight or freeze. In those states, the thinking part of the brain goes offline and survival mode takes over. Regulation means helping the body feel safe enough to switch out of that stress response.
Here’s a simple 3-step coaching framework you can use to support your daughter when RSD shows up.
- Validate
- Regulate
- Reflect and reframe
1. Validate her feelings
This doesn’t mean you have to agree with her, but it does mean acknowledging that her feelings are real.
Validating her feelings could look like saying something like…
“I can see this has upset you”
“It makes sense this feels overwhelming for you”
2. Help her nervous system settle (regulation)
When her nervous system feels like it’s running away from a bear (rather than an unread text message…) she can struggle to reflect, reason, or take on a new perspective. So it can help to support her to regulate her nervous system first. This essentially means helping the emotions to calm down and settle.
There’s different ways you can do this, and it really depends on your daughter, you, and the situation.
Here are some examples of things that can help her to calm her nervous system when she’s experiencing RSD:
Co-regulation
This might look like talking to her calmly, slowing your breathing, or sitting quietly nearby. Co-regulation helps because if you’re calm it sends a message of “it’s safe” to her nervous system which tells it it’s ok to settle down.
Other things you can try to help regulate (calm) her nervous system might be:
- Going for a walk
- Giving her time alone (if she wants that)
- Watching a familiar show or movie
- Listening to music
- Having a cold/warm drink
- Cold water splash on her wrists/neck
- Having a shower
- Using a weighted blanket
3. Guide her to reflect and reframe what happened
Once her system has settled and she’s calm, that’s when you can help her reflect on what happened. With practice and time, she can learn to do this when she notices RSD being triggered and it can help her to slow or stop the emotional response that follows.
Questions you can ask to help her
- What happened?
- What did your brain say it meant?
- What else could be true?
An example might look like:
What happened?
“My friend replied ‘ok’ and that was it”
What did your brain say it meant?
“That she doesn’t like me or has fallen out with me”
What else could be true?
“She was busy, tired, distracted, or just replying quickly.”
Other helpful questions might be:
- What do we know for sure?
- Is that true?
- What’s the evidence for/against that?
- What might your brain be guessing?
- What else could be true?
- What would you say to a friend in this situation?
The goal is to help her notice the story her brain has created, and support her brain to write a more balanced story based on facts rather than guesses and assumptions. Try not to give her the answers (I know it can be tempting!) but it’s more effective if she comes up with the answers herself – even if it takes a bit of silence and thinking time to get there.
Rejection Sensitivity Isn't An Overreaction
When your daughter experiences RSD it can look like a huge overreaction over something small or non-existent. But underneath the reaction is often a nervous system that registers rejection, criticism or failure as a threat – so it’s responding to that threat.
The threat might not be “real” – but how she feels about it is.
If this is something you’re navigating at home, I share more support like this inside my email community, ADHD: Through her eyes. I send one or two emails a week where I talk about how ADHD shows up for your daughter along with practical, supportive strategies you can try right away.
You can join here and unsubscribe at any time.
If you’re curious to find out how coaching helps ADHD girls like your daughter, you can find out more about ADHD coaching for girls here.
Your Takeaway
- RSD or Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria is an intense emotional response that can be triggered by real or perceived rejection, criticism, failure or disapproval.
- Reassurance doesn’t always help
- It can help to validate the feeling first because the feeling is real regardless of the trigger
- Help her nervous system feel safe (regulated) before problem-solving
- Once she’s calm, help her separate what happened from what her brain said it meant